Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Egoismo 101

Me siento como una tonta por veces.
No me dan mas ganas de seguir. Esto... ya parece una pasada egoista mas que otra cosa.
Ya no quiero andar de tras de nadie. Para quedar esperar esperando como una pendeja al final del dia...
Todos me hacen esto. No se porque... quisiera saber.

Soy una estupida.

Todos son unos egoistas. Yo soy la idiota que trata de ayudar a los demas como pueda.
Soy una estupida.
Y NO no me estoy haciendo la victima.
Ya no mas.

Duele... y mucho.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

" too often, I wear my heart upon my sleeve. that too, is fatal"

i wish you could speak to my fears. i wish i could just take that leap of faith. i wish i was just like u-- love & truth personified"

"why do you look so sad?" "because you speak to me in words. and i look at you with feelings."

Stuff I read and liked from A.C. all of that is not mine XD

actions speak louder than words; there's no need to insert your ways of "righteousness" into every part of your rhetoric. --MATTHEW 6:1-7


Monday, October 25, 2010

I'm a Teacher?

Dear blog?

I'm seriously considering that job as a teacher. I'm desperate for money and well... I don't think it's that bad..... well.. bad or not.. I need money.
AAARRGGG I wish I had my own car :/ I don't want to bother my mother... plus getting back is a pain. My mom goes back to work at 2 and I'd leave work around 2:30. So even if I took the car to work... my mom would have to pay for a cab. Unless.... we take turns? -___-

anyway, I had a pretty okay weekend. No one was home until later today. Turns out my brother was the only one that came home but he left again last night. He's not back yet. Mom and grandma come back from Ceiba today. oh yay.
There's some kind of holiday today so they don't work.

ugh im annoyed tho. I don't even want to talk about it.


Friday, October 22, 2010


I hate crying myself to sleep every night...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Last week, my friend's father was shot. Luis, I am so sorry that happened to you. I was so shocked when they told me... I cried so hard cuz I know it's not fair. I hope they get what they deserve.
I can imagine how angry you might feel... Be strong. Take care of your mom and sister. Your dad is in a better place watching over you and your family.

Everyone's going through a hard time. Today, my dad told me he might have tuberculosis. My friend Roberta wants to move but she can't cuz she doesn't have a job hence she's broke.
My best friend is going through a really bad depression because of her grandfather. Her mother had a biopsy done because they found strange lumps in her ovaries. I hope it's not bad.
It's never ending.

People spend more time being sad or angry, I am an example v.v
but now I've come to my senses. Life is... good.. it's awesome. I know people have a good reasons to be angry and annoyed and it does gets tiering at some point. I let that get to me for a long time. I was pissed off for almost 2 years because my life was shitty and I was surrounded by assholes. It still is (cept with no assholes haha ) but I no longer care. I smile at the good things it brings me. Strong enough to withstand anything it throws at me. Brave enough to take chances. Wise enough to make the right decisions. I promised to myself that I wont give up on the things I want and want to do. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason.

When you're going through a rough time, embrace it and work with what you have. Things DO get better. It's taking long for most of us but I believe with all my heart that things will change for good.

Also, someone told me that I have to be selfish sometimes. That is true but I hate being selfish... because I used to be. I learned the hard way. Now, I can't be selfish anymore. It might be a bad thing at some point but it feels like it will make me cold hearted.

I'm scared but I can do it. I also wish that life would even up soon for him and I...

I won't give up.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


i feel better except for the fact that a friend's father was killed last night...
I broke down so bad.



I get angry because my doc says my body needs a few days for it to get used to them.
It's passing so it's good C:


^(° A°)^

Friday, October 15, 2010

Well, fuck.

Well the pills help a lot with my depression... but they make me angry. @A @ fuuuuuu-

eh, I couldn't control it.. Just now? I broke my mirror. MY grandmother was talking and talking and talking and talking and BITCHING AND BITCHING... why??? JUST BECAUSE I USED THE MOP.
She fucking YELLED at me because of THAT. Yelled and cursed... and then she started to bitch more because I didn't put the dishes away. I FUCKING WASHED THEM. I let them dry on their own she doesn't like that, I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, she should stay away from the things I do.

Seriously.. THIS is why I hate doing chores here.

I'm leaving today.. im sleeping over whoever takes me in tonight.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

i try too much...

I'll do the same then >:/

sigh.. i feel stupid lying in this bed... the smell of disinfectant is annoying. The nurse is so fucking mean too..

Wednesday, October 13, 2010




Monday, October 11, 2010

More b.s.

I just got back from my aunt's house. I have to let it out.

I over heard their conversation...

I usually go up to her room and watch tv while we visit cuz all they talk about is politics and criticizing people. I went downstairs to the kitchen, thought no one would be there and my mom and grandmother were there... talking about me.
Apparently my whole family is so fuckng concerned about me not being like them. They say I'm obsessed with drawing, obsessed with video games obsessed with this obsessed with that. Everyone thinks I have a problem. They want to send me to a psychiatrist. I'm... not sick... I'm just me. Why do they have a problem with that? Family should understand... right?

Also my anemia got worse and I can't get treatment cuz I have no money.. we.. have no money... all I've had in 48 hrs is an apple and a bowl of cereal. I'm pale and have no strength to do anything, depression... I've been losing my concentration easily...
I've been fighting that depression though. I can't help it... it's part of it. Apparently my hb range is around 8.9.. which makes it moderate.
No one wants to commission me so getting money right now is impossible. I still don't get how shitty... but REALLY shitty artists who can't even draw an eye can get commissioned.
My dad is doing everything he can to send me money for treatment and food. Special icky diet. I hate liver xD
My doctor said I was gonna be cured but I stopped taking my meds and ate unhealthy things.
I have to take better care of myself.

Commissions will be open... just in case.

Meh, no one reads this crap... why bother anyway.

Also, this... I'm happy with it for some reason.


I went to the hospital this morning because of a really bad nose bleed. I did take a picture of that cuz the pillow was soaked. I only have 2 pillows now xD
It was warm and that woke me up lol
Soooo the doc says I need that treatment ASAP. He gave me something that helped with the paleness. So my lips are red now lol hb dropped by 2 btw

I called my aunt and asked her if I could borrow some money. She'll send me $500 c:
Soon though, before it gets WORSE. I'll get better. I'm not too depressed like I was on sunday. I still can't concentrate.


nuff of that I'm gone.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Fun night

I had fun yesterday. Got together with my friends and had a few? drinks? we finished three bottles of vodka |DDD I didn't want to get completely drunk. I enjoyed the time with them and laughed a lot. One of them was getting too mushy with me though ._ .; I moved to the other end of the table with Roque and Karina, all of them were drunk cept my friend mando. Katherine was WASTED. We had fun laughing at the random things she said xD I was a bit drunk... but I remember everything xD cept the things i said/did when I got home. I only remember saying hi to my mom brushed my teeth and that's it.. .I think i passed out.

It's sunday, I hate sundays.They're depressing, gloomy and boring. I'm drawing to keep my mind off shitty things. Though a friend pissed me off today. Seriously. Why does she do that?

i still have that bad feeling too...

Friday, October 8, 2010


Y siempre me siento como una tonta cuando hago eso. I think I expect too much from people sometimes.

I'm invisible.

Maybe they feel like they would sound stupid to tell me something. Not stupid, just retarded.
I should just stop.



I'm working on thisssss.... yeaaah. Ryo's dorky dance I think. I really don't know why I drew this. He looks happy? Trying out random poses mebe. The proportions look awful but I promise it'll look awesome when it's done. I used no references so I'm proud of it <: yay!
I wanted to draw him surfing but I couldn't find a decent reference picture.

Also. This inspired me to draw something dark or w/e. All those bottled up feelings.

That after I draw something for John Lennon's birthday <: RIP.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Korn - Thoughtless

I feel a lot of hate building up every time I hear this song :/ I cry.
Prly cuz I was going through a rough time when I first heard it. High school.... ugh

Soooo it's 1:45 am, I'm about to go to sleep.. after I finish a picture I'm working on.
Oh I need to shower too :x Yeah that happens XD Wash dishes and then go to bed. <:
I feel like I'm more productive at night. It's been happening for what... 5 yrs now?
Cept for the times I worked... ha, not I still went to bed late xD I'm getting rid of it slowly - 3-

also, I decided to go to Glowpinkstah's channel in yt. I FOUND THIN MINTS SHIRTS and one with a quote from one of my favorite videos from her XD
CHIT. I'M GETTING THAT SHIRT. FUCK THAT I'M USING MY DEBIT CARD with the little money I have.... lolthatissosad.


here you go. I find this funny. If you dont then stfu >:c my humor is.... weird. |3


Saturday, October 2, 2010


The day was meh and so was 'rehearsal'. The dude was looking at my chest the whole time :/
I was wearing a normal t shirt and a hoodie cuz it was raining/cold out SHOWING NOTHING. Ew what a pervert. I told him I'll call him back when I get more people buuuuuut I wont call <<
Anyway, you can barely see it but my fingers are red and they hurt >: I played well I guess and recorded something for someone |D

Oh and this guy named Andres emailed me. He might come on monday, I'm excited cuz I've heard about him and he's GOOD. His guitar is pretty awesome o: I think he's the only one with a Stratocaster around here. I tried writing songs last night, I had so many bottled up feelings... so much fear. I really wouldn't want to make songs out of these...
Eh.... I don't know... I think I'm kinda... off today.. out of place. I don't feel well, emotionally and physically. I think my anemia is back. I don't want to talk about the emotional part xD I'm just... uneasy...

*Cough* I'm hoping I'll have a band soon. Play in random gigs like old times. Yeaaaaah... Now that I think of it... THAT is the missing piece. Music. My old self was influenced a lot by music! It... made me forget about everything. I'd put all my rage or sadness on the chords and strings. No wonder I was happy and uber random all the time. I couldn't feel any anger or sadness cuz I let it out with my guitar haha that AND art. But art right now isn't very good. It sucks... I can't draw anything from the neck down *frustration*

I'm trying to fix that. I think it's the table I draw on. It's too high and I draw on tabloid size pages. So everything looks crooked cuz I have to either lean over or fold the page :/ It's hard to find a good place to draw here. My house lacks good drawing spots xD
My style changes because of that. I obviously draw better when I go to the mall with my friends because the lighting and the tables are much much better.
I'm off. I feel @ A@


Friday, October 1, 2010

Empty braein.

I still feel kinda off...
My mind was blank all day until my friend asked me how was I feeling... I tried to avoid the subject but she's the only one that knows about it so I told her how I felt.
She said some things that made me tear up. Like why she doesn't like to feel and how this looked similar to what happened with her and her ex. Which made me feel worse. RIGHT after she said that I started to feel a knot in my throat... and my eyes were teary. Thanks <<

And then her life theories. We're close friends but I don't share her theories lol

I like being emotional... pero es un arma de doble filo.

Eh, yeah. She also mentioned something about... putting a wall up? I guess she meant keep your guard up a little. I don't now why she said that though.. I didn't ask -_-

I'm not thinking about it. Well, technically I am cuz I'm writing about it. I was fine until we talked about the subject.
No se que pensar xD mejor lo dejo asi. Prefiero no quemar lo que queda de mis neuronas.

I'm gonna practice tomorrow. I'm so rusty. I can't 'break' and bend my pinky like I used to :/ It hurts now. I don't know if I'll be lead guitar. Prly just vocals.
I'll call the guy next week and practice with my friends around.