Tuesday, November 16, 2010

where are we standing?

Odio. Detesto que todo el mundo me dice que lo que tengo con el es falso por la maldita distancia, I got drunk on saturday and I mentioned him when I was blabbering about random crap. Then one friend started to bitch at me about it. " El dia que me voy a callar va ser el dia que te vea feliz con el que todo funcione." Etc etc... el es uno de los pocos que saben de el. No hablo de esto con casi nadie porque se lo que me van a decir. Pero saben que? Solo yo se lo que pasa entre el y yo. I trust him SO much. I know this isn't a lie.

AAH just leave me alone okay? It's my life.

Now.... If only you told me what is wrong with you. I DO understand but there are things we need to talk about... if we're a couple, we need to communicate with each other... I've always been afraid of talking or hurting you... but now I think I'll say how I'm really feeling lately. Siempre he pensado primero en ti y despues en mi... asi soy... I've always considered your feelings before mine... and what happens? I end up bottling up everything and just NOW it got to a point where I can't take it. I want you to talk to me... for once. Crees que no te escucho? O crees que con esconderte o alejarte de todo se va a solucionar todo? Asi como que si se te olvida a vos o a mi y todo esta bien?
aaaah no se dfkdslsf mejor asi lo dejo. Me guardo mi comentario.
W/e this is my ranting spot.

I feel so.... shitty every day. Same routine every fucking day. Wake up, eat, get the paper, look for jobs, call them, drop resumes, come back for lunch and since this is honduras I stay home for the rest of the day unless someone asks me to go out for ice cream or w/e. NOT fun at all. My friends? My friends live like 343425464 minutes away, I don't have a car and transportation here isn't exactly safe, plus i can't afford paying for a taxi cab, people here... aren't... like.. exactly free, y' know? All of my friends cept for 2 of them live with their parents. My two best friends can't sleep over my place because one: The are where I live. They think it's SO SO dangerous. Two: one of their moms is paranoid and doesn't like it.
They can come visit however... but it's not as fun cuz theres nothing to do here really. My mom and grandmother hate it when I take them to my room because it's embarrassing *rolleyes* yes im very messy. OH AND BECAUSE I SHARE IT WITH MY MOTHER. So i don't have a room. So staying in the living room is kinda boring. My house is small. There's NO privacy whatsoever and my mom doesn't like it when I sleep over my friend's houses. Yeah. Oh and when I go out? I ALWAYS ALWAYS have to tell her cuz if i dont she'll call me and go "why didnt you tell me you where going out where are you what time are you coming back?" and if I say idk cuz I'm not the one driving she goes "what? you should know. tell them to bring you home early i dont want you to sleep anywhere." Wtf?? I can't just MAKE PEOPLE take me home cuz SHE doesn't like it. WTF. I'm always getting rides from friends. She never drives me anywhere and she's not even trying to take me to the drivers licenses thing. So what the fuck? I know she'sm y mom and she worries but JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS. When I go out at night? My grandmother is always pushing her and telling her that im not home yet, im late, she's always out, call her home, lets go pick her up if shes not here, CALL HER CUZ IM WORRIED. Just... CONSTANTLY instigating her. My mom flips and she's calling me and calling me... jsut UUUUGH.

My life is not fun. Well it is but then my family ruins it somehow. ALWAYS.

I love my friends. Seriously. But I can only trust like 5 people. Those five are like my real bffs. I barely see em too so it's not all that fun :c
Living here just makes it harder. I'm always like grumpy or annoyed? but it's because just... being here makes me feel that way. Here as in... my so called "home". I know I'm lucky I have my family close but ... what for? If they don't- WE don't act like one?
I feel SO lonely sometimes cuz I have no one i can count on.

Financially? My aunts pushed my uncle away from me.
Emotionally? I... think they're all so fucking selfish. My mom specially.
You know she ruined my life? Like... because of her I couldn't finish highschool in Kenner. Because of her I have no residence because... ahaha she voluntarily gave it up. HOW GREAT IS THAT? Now I have to qualify for one ALL OVER AGAIN... well they said she did before the officer canceled it. I know you have that choice. ANYWAYS THIS DEPRESSES ME CUZ I HAD MY ENTIRE FUTURE PLANNED AND IT ALL WENT DOWN THE DRAIN BECAUSE OF HER CARELESSNESS AND SELFISHNESS.
WHAT kind of mother does that? Why she did it? Because she didn't want to leave my dad here by himself. Yes mom I know you loved... or love him but your children come FIRST... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you decided to follow your selfish emotions. Mom, I love you and I WISH I could turn back time... and somehow fix all of that. Right now I'd be working and OUT OF COLLEGE.

I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING GO TO SCHOOL HERE. WHY? BECAUSE MY FATHER FUCKED UP. HE LOST HIS BUSINESS AND THE FACTORY AND WHAT DID HE DO? HE DID WHAT COWARDS DO, RUN AWAY. You were a part of this too cuz you were treating my dad SO bad, mom, one day you just fed him up and he left us for another woman.
My brother? Is a retarded MESS. An american citizen for what? He's not even going to school cuz he has no id only his birth certificate. He'd be receiving financial AID if he would have stayed in New Orleans and he's twenty fucking six years old because YOU didn't do shit about his legal status here. He cant fucking leave the country now cuz he has to pay for whatever it is. You dont even care mom. You don't care. It's always YOU YOU YOU YOU. You may make it seem that you care but deep down, it's all about you and YOUR convenience. My brother and I are living shitty lives and it's hard for us to fix that because of our family's mistakes.
I am practically... fighting for my freedom. But this country's so fucked up, I can't even find a decent job. I had to give up a GOOD job because they couldn't help me with my school schedule... and I couldn't just DROP out of school cuz my mom's paying for it.
Mom, I know you have your good things... and I appreciate it so much. I'm thankful for your sacrifices but you're not very helpful most of the time. I love you, i really really do. I'm just... sick and tired of all of your " I CAN'TS"
I don't want to say that anymore.. I know i got that from you "I cant this i cant do that"

No more, mom. I've had it.

And dad? Please PLEASE keep your promises. It's been 10 years now.

Maybe I'm trying to... look for excuses idk... I wish my family didn't step all over me in the past.


I'm tired.

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